Amusing Tales of Arcadia and beyond
by Fabius Maximus
Summary: The stories here did not happen. At least that's what everyone is saying, and they're sticking to that story. Amusing, crackish, and other tales of the Trollhunters and their friends/enemies/associates.
1. Chapter 1

Punishment.

"You have been found guilty, Trollhunter, as have your friends!" Usurna leaned down from the position of judgment. "You have potentially allowed a homicidal warlord who considers humans a delicacy back into our world!"

"Leave my friends alone!" Jim said.

"No," Usurna said. "Unless they wish to renounce you?"

"No way!" Claire said. "What happens to Jim, happens to us!"

"Right!" Toby said.

"Very well. You present us with some problems." The Queen leaned back and put her hands together. "By troll standards, you are barely older than infants. By human standards, you are still legally whelps. To punish you as adults would be unjust."

"So we can go?" Toby asked. "Gleep!" he said as Usurna leaned forward, her face somehow looking scarier than Bular's. Perhaps it was the smile on it.

"No." She stared at them all. "Dumping you in the gulf won't work, you'll either die, or somehow, beyond all possibility, return, stronger than you ever were. That doesn't exactly help the learning process."

"Then what are you going to do?" Jim asked.

"Fortunately, in my studies, I have discovered a _human_ punishment that should be of assistance." Usurna motioned three of her trolls forward. They weren't holding spears. They were…

Jim blinked.

"Oh, no." Claire paled.

"Those… look like those fraternity paddles. Remember that movie—Sexy Soro—"

"Ot-nay in-yay ont-fray of-yay Aire-clay, Obes-tay! " Jim said, looking at Claire. Fortunately, she was still focused on the paddle bearing Trolls.

"We have secured a private room for the punishment so you will not be…ah, embarrassed." Usurna said. "You have Vendel to think for this."

"Vendel!" Jim's voice was full of betrayal.

"I have saved your life, Trollhunter… Consider it… My way of thanking you for _all_ the recent fun I have had due to your actions."

Claire whined. Jim threw his shoulders back. He'd handle this. With that, he led them into the room, trying to ignore the sounds made by the paddles as the trolls whipped them through the air.

* * *

Later, in Blinky's library, they were continuing their studies of troll lore.

"I am happy you have survived your ordeal, though I am not certain what it was. Vendel merely laughs when I ask him." Blinky stared at the three heroes, each one standing straight up. Very straight up.

"Wouldn't you like to be sitting down?" Blinky asked. "We've been doing this for some time…"

"No," Claire said faintly. "I'm fine with standing up."

"For a very, very long time," Toby said.

"At least until we can find some pillows." Jim finished.


	2. Work Experience

"So my sword has not broken you, Trollhunter," Gunmar said, as two of his warriors dragged Jim along the corridor. "But this will break your spirit." They threw Jim into a stony elevator, which, with a jerk started to move upwards.

"What, more monsters? More soldiers More—wait, is that _elevator music?_ "

"It assists in helping my soldiers prepare for a new battlefield," the ruler of the Gumm Gumms said.

Moments later, the doors opened onto a vast floor where there were…

Cubicles.

Lots and lots of cubicles. With Trolls sitting at desks, their weapons at their side, using headsets and computers.

"…Have you tried turning it off?"

"No sir, I am certain that you have won our official lottery! You must have forgotten to register. Now, If I can only have your account and routing numbers…"

"Hello, I have an important message, the IRS has issued an arrest warrant for you, and unless you pay your outstanding…"

And most horrifyingly of all, the one warrior, in full armor, eyes glowing green… and from whose helmet emerged a sultry voice. "Oh, you're just making me _so_ hot…"

"This—this is a _call center?_ "

"Not _only_ a call center, Trollhunter, we also outsource engineering and IT services. Even India and China fell before my legions of warriors, leaving us utterly _dominant_ in the provision of on time and on budget customer relations, IT and consulting services!"

Behind his helmet, Jim's eye twitched.

"And now, Trollhunter, you will join us!" His soldiers lifted Jim off of his feet and walked him to an empty cubicle, sitting him down in the comfortable (but not too comfortable) chair. Then one turned, retrieved a tie and secured it around Jim's neck, gesturing at the dress code warning on the wall, right above: REMEMBER, CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS OUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY!

"Bu—but I can't even work, I'm not old enough!" Jim said. _As if that_ _'_ _s going to stop the genocidal warlord._

"Do not worry Trollhunter," Gunmar said. "I would never think to break your surface law, at least not until I have _conquered_ it. You are an intern. An _unpaid_ intern. You work for _experience!_ _"_

Jim whimpered.

"Oh very good, I can see the despair rising." Dictatious said. "This is always the most pleasant part of installing a new sl-err, employee."

"Well, let us not keep you from your work." Gunmar spun on his heel as a guard finished locking Jim to the work station. "Oh, you get a break every four hours. We have coffee in the lounge for your delicate constitution." With that, Gunmar left.

"Coffee? That's remarka—" Gunmar cut Dictatious off.

"You will enter the lounge immediately before his break, use all the coffee, and _not replace the coffee machine_ _'_ _s filter!_ "

"Oh, Diabolical, Dark Underlord." Dictatious paused. "But will that work?"

"It will. You did not note what department I put him in?"

"I confess, I did not."

"The complaints section. For the phone sex lines."

Behind them a shriek arose. "What— _I don_ _'_ _t even know what that means—how is that even physically possible!"_

 _"_ He'll be begging for the touch of the Decimar blade before the end of the week—it will at least make him forget his time _here._ "

The two evil masterminds laughed as they took the elevator, back down to a world of brutal death, of dark cells, of evil.

Or rather, a much better place than where Jim was currently sitting.


	3. Dinner Date

"Otto!" Gunmar's evil growl reverberated through the secret HQ of the Janus order.

"Yes, oh Dark Underlord?"

Gunmar steepled his fingers. "I have detected _issues_ with your intelligence gathering?"

"Oh, what, my Dark Underlord?"

Gunmar took a deep breath. "WORLD WAR TWO, YOU BLITHERING IDIOT! I HAVE FIVE HUNDRED PAGES ON THE EVOLUTION OF MUSEUM EXHIBITS AND TWO WORDS ON THE GREATEST WAR IN HUMAN HISTORY! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE WORDS ARE?"

"What are they?" Otto knew that he was going to get in trouble for cribbing Stricklander's class notes.

"WE WON!" Gunmar's bellow cracked monitor screens. "Since I am planning to conquer the surface world, don't you think a more detailed synopsis, including things like nuclear bombs, the development of the cold war, and MAD would have been more helpful, instead of me _having to find it on Merlin-cursed Wikipedia!_ _"_

 _Oh Dark Lady, he_ _'_ _s found Wikipedia._

"I will certainly work to solve this—"

"Get out, or I will Decimar Blade you into a potted plant."

"Yes, oh Dark Underlord."

Gunmar sat down and started typing at the oversized keyboard. "I'll have to keep some of these… IT people alive," He muttered. It wouldn't be so difficult, according to the Internet they just hid from the sun and played games. They probably wouldn't even notice his glorious conquest. But first he needed more information, information that did not depend on the Janus Order. A way to contact humans himself…

"Hmmm… What is this… _Singles_ listing." he muttered. Moments later. "Otto! Get me a Glamour Mask!"

* * *

Jim felt a pounding headache coming on. He'd just dealt with another gnome uprising, and his mother wanted him to _meet_ someone. The last time he'd ended up in a fight for his life.

"Maybe this one will be better."

"Oh, Jim, I just finished cooking dinner!" his mother looked happy, blissfully unaware of the curls of smoke emerging from the kitchen.

Or the fact that one of the decorative plants was wilting.

Still, it couldn't be as bad as Strickler's date.

Inside, he frowned. The potatoes looked…

 _Okay, Mom_ _'_ _s a doctor. The date_ probably _won_ _'_ _t die._

But her date a big, blond surfer style guy, dug into it with gusto and no sign of poisoning. Jim was impressed, drinking the water that he himself had gotten.

"Call me G-Jack." The man had rumbled.

And the talk went well. Apparently, he ran a major corporation that was thinking of investing in Arcadia. Jim was happy that Mom was dating a normal guy.

And then it happened. He reached for a dinner roll, and Jim noticed that there was _metal foil_ stuck in it. He reached to save the man from Death by Barbara's Cooking, when his hand brushed something hard and cold.

The Glamour Mask revealed Gunmar the Black, evil underlord.

Who looked a little embarrassed.

"Err… Could you pass the butter?" Jim stared at him.

Looked at the Butter.

Looked at the kitchen.

"Sure, why not?" He said as Gunmar put his mask back on, just in time for Barbara to come out with the pie, the steaming, bubbling, pie.

"It's nice to see you're getting along!" she said brightly.

* * *

"What is it, Blinky?" Claire asked. "You said something is wrong with Jim?"

"Yeah, Jimbo didn't answer my call!" Toby said.

"He is in my chambers… putting dents on my table." Blinky didn't look happy.

"Dents in your table?" Claire blinked, marched to the door, then stopped her eyes wide. Jim was smacking his head against the table, his words echoing through Trollmarket.

"MY" _thump_ "MOTHER" _thump_ "IS" _thump_ "A" _thump_ "TERRIBLE" _thump_ "JUDGE" _thump_ "OF" _thump_ "MEN!"

The End. (For Now).


	4. Apocalypse Averted

"TROLLHUNTER!" Gunmar the black bellowed, looking at the wrecked square. "FACE YOUR DOOM!" The warriors thumped their spears, Angor Rot prepared his daggers.

There was just one problem.

No Trollhunter. Slowly the spear thumping stopped as the warriors started looking around in confusion.

"I could have sworn he was going to be here…" Gunmar muttered, then stomped to the center of the square.

There was a cell phone lying on the ground.

"Angor?"

"What?"

"Pick it up." Gunmar gestured to his hands. "I have had no luck with those infernal touchscreen devices."

"Mmmm…" There's a number and a note: Call us.

"Well, is the Trollhunter fearful of me—Is he—"

"It's for you," Angor said, and handed the phone to Gunmar. The warriors waited. The Assassin waited.

Gunmar spoke.

"WHERE IS THE TROLL—yes, I know you can hear me, but. Fine. I won't shout. Now where is the Trollhunter and his annoying witch friend?

"What?"

"That's intolerable! I have come forth, the Eternal Night is due—I have an entire army waiting for our fina—"

"Yes, I understand. No, of course you're right, we do have to set boundaries for our children, but still, this is a special—"

"No, I'm not telling you how to raise your child." Gunmar's great shoulders slumped. "Well, when they _are_ available, could you tell them to call this phone so we can reschedule our final conflict?"

"Very well. No, Thank _you._ Goodbye."

"What is it?" Angor asked. "Are they fleeing in terror?"

"Jim Lake and Claire decided to have a 'we might be dead tomorrow' make out session. Their parents caught them and they're both grounded for a month." Gunmar kicked a chunk of rock. "Let's go. If we're lucky, I'll get to kick Merlin's ass for not having the forethought to at least pick an 18-year-old for his champion."


	5. New Magic Words

Otto waited with glee for Gunmar to return. Tonight, the Trollhunter would fall! They had located where he was staying, a small hotel, no doubt a foolish attempt to deceive them. But it would—

The elevator opened. Otto blinked.

Gunmar was standing there. A 67 Dodge Dart engine block was hanging off one horn, and the other horn was cheerily burning. He was also covered in feathers.

At least until the fire suppression system kicked in. Hacking, Gunmar stepped out of the spray of water and looked down at Otto.

"I may have erred. The Trollhunter has a new, more powerful form."

"Wh-how?"

"It started like this…"

* * *

 _Gunmar kicked the door in. Part of the wall gave way as the doorframe tore free. Whatever traps the trollhunter had were no match for his power. The trollhunter was within the room and he was…_

 _Illuminated by candles? With the naked shadow wielder straddling him on the bed? She took one look at Gunmar, shrieked like a banshee and then grabbed the blanket, covering her torso with it as she leaped back into a portal._

 _"_ _Claire-no, wait, Claire, we can still—" The trollhunter fell silent._

 _Then he looked at Gunmar, the look making the troll lord feel… Uneasy._

 _"_ _Ha," Gunmar said. "Your consort fled, Troll—"_

 _Then the Trollhunter shouted out two words, and was upon Gunmar in a flash._

* * *

"Our battle was glorious. He kicked me through five walls, a propane tank, a junkyard, and might have killed me, save for the cover provided when I fell through the ceiling of the indoor turkey farm."

 _Ah. Thus the feathers_.

"But, I cannot fight him again until I learn the nature of his new magic. Tell me, Otto, what incantation uses the words 'Fucking Cockblocker'?"

End


End file.
